NOTE: As it is now after April 1st, I can gently point out that this was actually an April Fool’s post (note the date, the link at the bottom, and some other aspects of silliness). Sorry to those in the comments section who didn’t realize...

News reports released today indicate a that we’re facing another significant setback in the uphill battle to ensure Americans, particularly children, are getting enough fat-soluble vitamins from natural animal fats. 

The new challenge comes in the form of Bos anorexus, the so-called “low-fat cow.”  Bred by scientists at Monsanto, this animal stores natural fat only in its nose, brain, and ears. 

It eats a diet of specially-patented grains.  However, according to Monsanto spokeswoman Dr. Sue T. Tallow, if a low-fat cow is fed a diet of corn or soybean oil, a high-linoleic fat may be skimmed from the animal’s milk and churned directly into margarine.  Future studies will explore whether cows fed fermented foods will produce non-fat yogurt, or those fed marbles will produce marbled beef.

Because the animals are too skinny to breed, new calves will have to be bought each year from Monsanto, raising objections from many farmers.

However, low-fat diet enthusiasts have already hailed the technology.  New York Times health reporter Tara Parker-Pope said, “This is a great and easy new way to get low-fat milk and lean meat into schools.  Now, there’s no risk that kids will accidentally drink whole milk with their cookies.  That’s great news, since we know whole milk makes them fat.” 

Indeed, the cow is being explored as a messaging tool by some in the movement to combat obesity with low-fat foods.  With a grant from the Department of Health, Monsanto is working with local public health departments around the country to hang posters of the skinny cows with the caption “Be Skinny -- Like Me!” in classrooms, in the hopes that this will convince children not to be obese.  An unnamed official said that attempts to encourage Alice Waters to bring low-fat cows into school gardens had not yet been successful.

There are, of course, critics.  One strong objection comes from the raw milk movement.  Milk from low-fat cows actually comes out of the cow already pasteurized.  Because the animals are so svelte, the cows must be kept extremely warm, lest they become hypothermic.  Kept at an optimal body temperature of 145 degrees F (63 C), much higher than that of a regular cow, the cows’ bodies pasteurize the milk in vivo. 

Sally Fallon of the Weston A. Price Foundation decried the move. “This is unnatural.  Not a single culture Dr. Price studied raised low-fat cows.  Just look at that poor creature; would someone please give it something to eat?”

Organic farmers and their allies are also raising strong concerns.  “This is just another attempt by Monsanto to control what we do.  You can’t put those low-fat cows on pasture, so this would be the death of the grass-fed movement.  What’s next, chickens that lay eggs without yolks?”  Indeed, Monsanto officials confirmed that the yolk-free egg project is underway.

While it’s likely too late to stop the introduction of the low-fat cow into American farmland, the USDA agreed to a one-day-only comment period.  If you’re concerned that this will simply add to the loss of important, natural fats and fat-soluble vitamins in the American diet, please contact the USDA, as well as your senators and representatives, today, April 1, 2009 only.  Tell them you say NO to the idea of the low-fat cow.

For more information on this subject, please see this article.

Other headlines in the news today:

Researchers Tie Increase in Obesity Epidemic to Internet Cookies

Graphs show strong correlation between rise of Internet and prevalence of obesity

Farmed Salmon Being Added to Endangered Species List

Consumer distaste for farmed fish leads to declining populations of Salmo confinus.

And last year on this date:

Mystery of Colony Collapse Disorder Solved

Thanks to kandyjaxx for the flickr CC photo